Elijah is 6

6 years ago my 39 week pregnant self had worked a 12 hour shift and was getting ready for bed when my water broke. There was no question. It definitely broke! Contractions quickly followed and had me thinking about an epidural! I knew our lives would never be the same as Aaron and I drove to the hospital, but I would have never guessed that just 2 weeks layer we would be planning our baby boy's funeral.

As i think back to those memories of the day Elijah was born, I am amazed at all the changes that have happened inside me since he died. I don't look at anything with the same eyes as I did before. My heart tugs every time a patient names their baby Elijah. Every time I hear a mother yelling after her own son named Elijah my ears perk and my heart beats a little harder. Each time someone asks me "How many children do you have?", I don't really know how to answer. It's such a simple, harmless question, yet it causes me so much anguish. I'm happy to talk about him but I know that when I tell them that my son died they will tilt their heads and look at me with sad eyes. I'm not looking for sympathy. I'm not looking to be depressing, but that is my reality. Sometimes it's just easier to say I have 3 and I hate that so much.

Tomorrow we will release balloons for Elijah. The boys have chosen superheroes for the theme. Pretty easy to accommodate that :) Although a part of me is looking forward to it because I know we will get some beautiful pictures of the WHOLE family, I'm feeling nervous too. I always get a little nervous when we go to the cemetery. I guess it's because I feel like people are watching me so that when I break they can help fix me. I never have liked to be center of attention, especially for such a sad reason. This year is bound to be even harder than usual as it has barely been a month since my dad died and I'm still torn up about that too. But it will be a good day surrounded by friends and family who love us and have been there for us throughout it all! So in the words of Isaac, "Let's do this!"

Happy Birthday Elijah

Today is Elijah's 4th birthday. We celebrated with what has become a tradition (well I can't remember for sure if we did it last year) breakfast at Cracker Barrel. 

 

 

I love the fact that we have kept our breakfast limited to just the 4 of us. I know our family and friends like to check in on us during the day of E's bday and it's so nice to have them around but there is just something about having that special time all to ourselves. I never feel obligated to invite anyone to join :) 

We ended our day with a group of our closest friends and family members meeting us at the cemetery for a balloon release. We have made this a tradition (for sure I can remember it from last year!). Can't wait to see the pictures our photographer took! 

It's really hard to put my feelings together into writing about this day. On one hand I to want to talk about how unfair it is to not get to shower him with presents and love and kisses and hugs and birthday spankings and birthday songs and decorations and cookies and cake and cake balls and all those things I love about birthdays. 

On one hand I want to talk about how as hard as this day is, I don't want it to be over because it's so nice to hear everyone's memories about him and how his life affects their lives daily. 

On one hand I don't even feel like I can complain/cry/whine that he's not here with me because I know that I know that I know where he is. And I look around me at my 2 perfect healthy boys and my wonderful Godly husband and know that even though I have lost much, I still have so much more than some.  

On one hand I dread these next 2 weeks because my mind wanders back 4 years and remembers all the tears, shock, fear, depression, disbelief, decisions and goodbyes. 

Well, I'm totally out of hands at this point...

Trip To Tulsa

 Back in September, we went to Tulsa for a few days while Aaron had an interview for a new job (which he got and is already in his 2nd week of work!). We stayed in a super nice hotel in downtown Tulsa that was really close to Aaron's interview.

 Asher and Isaac both had colds and had to do breathing treatments while we were in Tulsa :( Asher took the time to practice his tattoo skills.

















We took the opportunity to stop by the Oklahoma Aquarium while we were up that direction. The boys had a blast! Well Asher did at least. Isaac just wanted to get out and run around everywhere so I spent most of my time trying to keep him happy. But I think in between that we all had fun.

 

 Oh yeah, and we made many a potty break on the side of the road with a certain 3 year old. He may or may not have even pooped in a bag... Don't judge me.

Elijah

I've been thinking about my baby boy a lot lately. Maybe it's because his 4th birthday is sneaking up so quickly. I've decided I'm finally ready to write his story. It will probably take me a few days to really finish it, but in actuality it has taken 4 years.

Well, lets start at the beginning...

Aaron and I got married 7/14/07. In December of that year I ran out of birth control pills and instead of getting a refill, we decided to just get pregnant instead. Makes sense, right? We were very blessed and it only took us 3 months of trying to get the great big positive! We were thrilled and terrified as I imagine most people are to be pregnant for the first time.

The pregnancy was perfect. On our 1 year anniversary we found out we were having a boy. It was one if the easiest decisions of our lives to choose his name. Elijah James. I love that name. It breaks my heart that I don't get to yell it across the room to tell him not to jump off the couch or to get off of his brother or all those other things that seem so frustrating as a parent at the time but so sweet when they are missing. 

My labor story is one that is fairly normal. No real funny business. But it is special to me and it doesn't get told often. There is something about a labor story that is so sweet. Maybe it's because of my line of work as a L&D nurse and the fact that I get to be a part of labor stories every work day. On the evening of December 3rd, after working a 12hr shift in L&D, I felt a very specific POP at about 11:30pm. I had an idea that it was my water breaking but I didn't feel anything coming out right at that moment. I stayed in bed for a few minutes, then got up to the bathroom where my water gushed in the toilet, thankfully. Being the good labor nurse that I am, I calmly told Aaron we needed to go the the hospital. We got there at about midnight and I was dilated only 1.5cm but that didn't last long. Less than 2 hours later I was thinking hard about an epidural and dilated 3cm. Things kept progressing and soon I had an epidural and was a 6! I thought finally I would get some rest but then I had the overwhelming feeling that something was happening! It was the strangest thing to feel him moving down in my pelvis while it was totally pain free. Elijah was born at 5:02 in the morning after only 5.5 hours of labor and about 2.5 pushes. I always knew these hips were meant to deliver babies :) 

Isn't he beautiful?

The next few days were normal as far as I could tell. He ate, slept, peed and pooped. But once we got home he basically stopped doing all those things that a normal healthy baby is supposed to do. We didn't know it yet, but Elijah was very very sick.

We don't have many pictures of Elijah. While I treasure all the pictures we have of him, I can barely bring myself to look at them because when I do I can't help but think "he was already sick in that picture."

The rest of Elijah's life is a blur in many ways. There are plenty of details I have forgotten, or at least I assume I've forgotten. Some things I don't let myself think about because they are too painful. I figure I already lived through it once, I don't have to replay it over and over in my head. I can still remember my sweet baby Elijah's life without dwelling on every little detail of his death. Having said that, there are details that will always stick with me.

I remember...

• Taking him to the Dr office and immediately getting admitted to the hospital.
• Wondering why he kept rolling his eyes.
• When he had his massive seizure and stopped breathing.
• Calling Aaron to hurry back to the hospital.
• Hearing the dr and nurses performing CPR on him as we stood in the hallway.
• The dr telling us there was nothing to do but pray.
• Sending him on the mediflight helicopter with the sweetest nurses.
• Driving to Okc with the carseat in the back thinking "I can not come home from the hospital with an empty carseat."
• Not wanting to leave his bedside even to take a shower.
• Being forced to eat.
• Aaron and I sleeping on a little sleeper sofa in the corner of the room.
• That even when the rest of his body was so swollen with fluid, his nose was exactly the same. 
• The way he smelled. Somehow like peppermint mixed with something. Not just like normal baby smell.
• The wonderfulness of Ronald McDonald House.
• When they came to talk to us about making arrangements.
• Asking the dr what he would do if it was his son.
• Ignoring a lot of phone calls. 
• Holding my baby for the last time. 
• Making the decision to turn off all the meds except for pain. 
• Our family staying all night long as he started to fade away. 
• Aaron and I holding his little hands while his heart stopped beating. 
• Aaron assuring Elijah that he would take care of his mommy. 
• Sitting in the hallway talking to Cara yet not talking at all. 
• Coming home to his nursery. Never ever stepping foot in it again. 
• All the older ladies at his funeral looking at me like there was no hope to ever be happy again. (Let me just say, I didn't believe them.) 
• Knowing I wanted to get pregnant again right away despite what my Dr recommended. (Wait 6 months.) 
• Knowing I needed a healthy baby in my arms by the time Elijah's birthday came around. 
• Getting pregnant as fast as humanly possible :) (Thank you God!) 
• Moving into a new house and beginning to make new happy memories.  

Whew! That was just a little emotional. I've never said all those things out loud before. They are always swimming around my head and I guess they just needed to finally come out. Even if I don't end up writing much on this blog, even if I'm the only one who ever reads this, I'm happy to have talked about my baby. I love any chance to talk about him, if I can do it without crying :) 

Asher's Batman Birthday

We had the pleasure of celebrating Asher's 3rd birthday last weekend. Batman was the theme and it was so fun to see all our friends and family in their Batman garb. We celebrated with Asher's best friend, Brandon, although we didn't even get a picture of the birthday boys together :( Asher even wore his Batman costume for some of the party.









                                   I had decided about a month before the party that I was going to be an awesome Mommy and teach myself how to make "pretty" sugar cookies for the party so I studied up and practiced. I was pretty proud of how they turned out! I made A's and B's for the birthday boys, bats and action cookies (BAM, POW, ZAP)! I also knocked out some black and yellow cake balls.

I don't consider myself crafty by any means but I did use every ounce of craftiness I did have to make some Batman masks for the kids. 

That must have been one great cookie!